My Baby--A Tuesday Gratitude

My baby had surgery today. We had a two hour wait in the surgical holding room with him before the doctor and anesthesiologist came to talk to us. He was so brave, but toward the end fo the long wait he started to cry and said he just wanted to go home. I didn't blame him, I wanted to go home too. But we had to put on a smile and tell him that it would all be over soon and we could go home together. It is absolute torture watching your child get hooked up to an IV and monitors, put that little mask over his face and drift off. Then to walk away and wait for the moment the doctor comes back to tell you it is all (hopefully) okay. . . .

I am so grateful C is okay and that it wasn't serious. I feel such compassion for anyone who has a child with a serious illness. To have to be in a hospital all the time, experiencing that fear and helplessness, I don't know if I have the strength--and I hope I never have to find out.

It was also difficult on a second level because his surgeon works out of the same hospital where I had all 4 procedures when I lost the babies, so it brought me back to some dark places that were not easy to forget as we sat there in those same hallways and rooms. I couldn't help but remember my own terror as I was wheeled into that cold, bright operating room, staring up at those weird sci-fi machines, listening to the noises, trying not to feel my heart beating so hard it felt like it was ripping out of my chest. I was so grateful when they let me go into the OR with C so that he wouldn't be alone with all those strange masked faces staring down at him as he fell asleep; grateful mine was the familiar face he was looking at as he drifted off. As an adult it was bad enough to go through that alone, but if I had known my child was going to have to be wheeled away from me to face that I would have clung to his gurney as they pushed him down the hall. Thank goodness they have compassion for mothers and children!

Tonight as I'm feeling grateful for our son's life, I'll be thinking of the family sitting across from us in the waiting room who got bad news. It is awful to sit in that big open space where there is no privacy for your grief. It is not only terrible for the ones who get that news, but really hard for the rest of us who sat and watched in silence; our thoughts and feelings a perfect balance of compassion and relief as we waited for our own doctor to bring us news.

So today I am grateful for a good doctor, a successful surgery, and a brave little boy.

YES!

I did it!! The "show" was a great success. My mom's friend has the most beautiful house. It's an old carriage house (pounds and pounds of oats fell out of the ceiling when they redid the kitchen) and it was decorated so beautifully for the holidays: picture rolls and rolls of holiday ribbon, their spools stacked and their ends twirling around our wares, lots of candles, a roaring fire, twinkling lights . . . It really couldn't have been a more perfect setting for us.

Her daughter's photographs were in the dining room, on the table, on easels around the room, and popping up out of the drawers of her antique sideboard. The other woman we grew up with, Jennifer Smith Donaldson is an oil painter and her paintings of local scenes were in the living room in front of the fire and on easels on the bookcases around it.

My jewelry was then interspersed throughout the rooms, in and among their work. I had my antique printers' tray filled with rings, bell jars with moss laying under them and jewelry beneath them like little pixies in the woods, antique jars with my necklaces strung from them, and of course, lots of old photos in the mix. I loved the way it all looked, and my stuff really looked great with their work. It all "clicked".

And I sold so much!! I sold out of all my new necklaces, most of my little pocket bags, tons of rings, and my charm bracelets and necklaces even did pretty well. So I am thrilled! I mean, really thrilled. It's the first time I have felt like this little business might actually take off. Now my next goal is to get the website up and running. I am having such trouble with Zen cart, but I actually met a woman at the show who's husband is currently out of work. He is a computer scientist. She offered his services, so I'm going to email her and see what he can do. It's worth a shot, right? Maybe he and I can help each other during these crazy economic times. That's what it's all about, helping each other realize our dreams!

So I did it, and I'm proud of myself. I even chatted with people about my work and tried really hard to "sell" myself. Because that's the worst part for most of us. Putting yourself out there and saying, "I'm good enough" and "look at me". Not easy. But I did it!!

Now you go do it, too!

EEEEK!

That eek is because I'm nervous. I have my first "show" for my button jewelry this season (year) and I'm freaking out. It has been so long since I've done one, but this time it's my mom's best friend who was so kind to offer her house for a 3-day home show. I'll be showcasing my jewelry, her daughter Susanna, who is an awesome photographer from Montana will be showcasing her photography, and then another woman who is a painter will have her work and prints and cards.


It should be fun, but I'm nervous and worried that I don't have enough stuff, that my stuff isn't good enough, that my stuff is amateur, that my stuff is ugly, that people won't want to pay the prices I've put on things, that people will walk right by and barely look at it, that the bad economy will hurt sales, that I'm ugly, that I'm fat, that I'm just not good enough.

You know, all the usual worries.

So anyway, I'm off to get this party started. Wish me luck! I'll post pictures when I return! And I'll try not to worry so much . . . .

Happy Birthday, E!

How is it possible that 10 years have gone by since my first boy was born? Tomorrow he will turn 10 and begin his 11th year on this earth. I cannot believe that so much time has gone by since he came squalling into this world, looking like a little Eskimo, making our hearts feel as though they could burst wide open at any moment. I can't believe he has gone from that wee babe who slept and cried and needed me for everything, to this handsome, sensitive, artistic soul who still sleeps and cries, but needs me for less and less. A boy who is learning to walk on his own in this world, who is becoming the man I always knew he would be, but still can't believe it's happening before my very eyes.

J said last night that E turning 10 is making him feel even older than his impending 40th birthday makes him feel, and I agree. How could we have gone from those wide-eyed, our-whole life-is-still-ahead-of-us college sweethearts to parents of a 10-year-old boy so quickly? For that matter, how did I go from being 10 myself to having a 10 year old? Is that weird for you, too? Do you sometimes feel like you can access those feelings and emotions and memories so easily that the years can't possibly be so long gone?

I asked my mother that once: when do you start feeling your age? She says you don't; that sometimes, even though she's past sixty, she still feels like she's that carefree 16-year-old girl who was the class clown and danced with a doorknob to practice for the school sock hop. Or the sly 7-year-old who snuck up to the attic and found her Toni doll, permed it's hair and put it back in the box, re-wrapped it and feigned surprise on Christmas morning. (True story.) I hope so. I hope that even though time goes by in the blink of an eye, that we never stop feeling like being a kid was just a minute ago. I hope we never feel old, even when we look old. I hope our kids (and grandkids someday) keep us young at heart. I hope I never forget what it was like to run through the woods pretending to be Tarzan (never Jane, only Tarzan) or to swing on the swings so high you felt like you really might touch the sky or to swim in the ocean for so long that your chest hurt when you breathed in and out. I hope I never forget what it was like to be a kid. I hope I never forget how I felt when my boy turned 10.

Happy Birthday, E. You are my sunshine.

"Thanks"giving

Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. Life has been very very full and actually, if I stop and think about it, way too busy. With the house fully under construction and all of us living in a small, dusty, waterless space, it is easy to fill the days with tasks that take WAY longer than usual (going outside and around the side of the house and down the basement stairs just to wash a dish in the slop sink is no fun, let me tell you!). Top that off with the normal hustle bustle of life with two active little boys and that spells N-O T-I-M-E with a capital No Time!

So with Thanksgiving only two days away, I'm going to take a moment to breathe and to make a list a la my friend Steph of the things I'm grateful for using her "Five Senses" theme. Maybe it will help me to slow down if I take note that way!

Touch: my boys hands in mine, J's back curled around me as we fall asleep, Lola's wet kisses when I walk in the door

Hearing: E and C laughing really hard, the contractor's noises as progress is being made on the house, music, my friends' voices

Sight: sunlight, blue water, the rocks from places we've visited in jars next to my bed, the city of Capri, Italy when we first laid eyes on it from the ferry this summer

Smell: fresh brewed coffee, clean laundry, fresh cut grass, pine trees, the ocean

Taste: spaghetti and meatballs, the tuna dish I had at Aozora, mashed potatoes, root beer

So I give thanks today for my five senses and all the wonderful things I get to experience because of them!

Emotions

Emotions are a funny thing. Sometimes I can't believe the way they hit me at atypical moments. I am normally not a crier. In fact, I try really hard NOT to cry (unless I catch "Terms of Endearment" on cable TV and Debra Winger is making that deathbed speech to her boys, then all bets are off) and I've worked long and hard in therapy to figure out why I hate the idea of crying so much. What am I afraid of? But that will have to wait for a different post.

Today it's all about the crying. I felt the tears coming three times today. This morning we had a conference with E's math teacher. He is not doing so well in math. He's not doing poorly, but he's not focusing and he's making a lot of mistakes that are affecting his grade. When she told us that he rushes through tests and classwork in order to read or doodle, J pointed at me and said, "I wonder where he gets that from?" I turned bright red and told her he takes after his very distracted mother, who also loves to read and doodle more than anything she SHOULD be doing. And then I felt the tears welling up. I felt so sorry that E honestly gets some difficult characteristics from me. It's not easy to be distracted and unorganized and unfocused. I hate for him to struggle with these things like I have. But we have a lot of heart, my boy and I, so that will have to do. But it made me cry for him.

Then, later I was at the local dance studio signing up for an exercise class (also not typical for me, but I'm not getting any younger and I thought it might be a good idea to fight the spare tire appearing around my middle). While I was there filling out the necessary forms, a woman who looked to be about 80 years old was also sitting at the desk. A man about the same age came out of the ballroom where they were having an open ballroom dance session to tell this woman something about his children coming soon and to please send them back as they were bringing him birthday cake. She said she would, as long as he shared a piece of cake with her. He replied that he would, of course, in fact he would give her two pieces. To this she replied, "What I'd really like is a piece of you." He leaned over and gave her a big kiss on the mouth and made some funny reply about the offer being worth it all. I don't remember his exact words because . . . I teared up again. It was so sweet to see these two octogenarians so full of life and love for each other. They still had it going on at 80-something and that looked so good it made me cry!

Then later this afternoon I took the boys to see J at his office. You can see the Statue of Liberty from his window and we pass pretty close to it on the NJ Turnpike. As we passed it coming home, C asked me what is so special about the statue. I started talking about the meaning behind it, and what it must have been like for all the people who passed through Ellis Island. I told him that many people who come to this country are coming from places where they can't make a living, sometimes they don't have food or water, and many times they are oppressed and denied freedom by their governments. I explained that the U.S. is very different and exciting because they have many freedoms here and a chance to make a better life for themselves and their families. As I was talking about this, I was thinking about the election last week and the fact that Barack Obama was elected. And guess what?? I started crying again. I was so overwhelmed by my feelings of pride in this country and the possibilities that the statue represents that I couldn't help it.

I don't love crying. I don't love that feeling as it wells up in my throat and makes my nose and eyes burn. And I still try really hard not to do it. But I'm getting better. I'm trying to be okay with it. I'm trying to realize that it's not always a bad thing. That sometimes it's good to let those feeling out. Even when they surprise you!

Gratitude Friday

Ahh, another Friday.

1. I'm grateful for J being home with us today so we could rake the gorgeous fall leaves that blanketed our yard.

2. I'm grateful for the laughter of my boys: the other day I ran in to Star*bucks* with C and my friend's 2 daughters. The girls were talking about how much they love when their mom lets them get a frappuccino. We were talking about other things when suddenly C said "Mom, can I get a Crap-uccino? We burst out laughing (as did the woman in line in front of me) and he looked horrified by his mistake. As we got in the car a few minutes later he said "Mom, I'm really sorry I said the beep-ucchino word." That started us hysterically laughing again! And today while we watched Madagascar 2 at the theater, E was laughing that laugh of his that always cracks me up. Their giggles are infectious.



3. I'm grateful for the progress on our house. I know how lucky I am to be able to be doing such a big project in this topsy-turvy economy. We are blessed with a lovely home, even when we're all squashed in one room and it's covered in dust!

4. I'm grateful for this fabulous fall weather. It's been so mild and warm, still not really wearing coats. I'm loving it!

Hope

Rosa sat
so that
Martin could walk
so that
Obama could run
so that
our children can fly!!

What an amazing night. I wish my children could have stayed awake to see it. I wish I had been in Chicago on the grass in Grant Park with all those people. But even in my own home, in my own bed lying next to J with tears streaming down my cheeks, I felt it. Hope. We did it!!!

Election Day

Oh, yeah. And if you haven't already done it, my fellow Americans, get off your ass and go vote! Seriously, stop staring at your computer screen and go VOTE! Now.

Halloween tricksters

Sorry, got a new computer last week and it took a while to get back up and running. But here are my little Halloweeners last Friday. The vampire and his pal, the Marlboro Man (I mean, cowboy).

Happiness

Happy Halloween sticks in my throat a bit today. I want to be joyous as I watch my kid's excitement about the holiday and dressing up and sugar, but underneath is sadness at what today could have been for us--welcoming a new little pumpkin into our hearts and homes. But when I opened the paper today I found this article on the formula for happiness and it resonated with me so I'll share the 6 tips here and try to remember them today when I feel sad!

1. Give yourself permission to be human.

2. Happiness lies at the intersection between pleasure and meaning. Mere pleasure for its own sake is fleeting.

3. Happiness is dependent on our state of mind, not on status or the state of our bank account. We can control happiness by choosing to be optimistic.

4. Simplify!!

5. Remember the mind-body connection: exercise, healthy eating and good sleep habits affect our physical and mental well-being.

6. (AND MY #1 fave, especially on Fridays!) Express gratitude whenever possible, whether large or small--a good life or a good meal--the wonderful things in life are too often taken for granted. Take time to reflect on the positive gifts of a life well lived.

Time to go trick or treat!! I'll post my little goblins later, but for now: Happy Halloween!!

Gratitude Monday

Whoops! Friday was crazy and I was out and about all weekend so I never posted all my gratitude. Better late than never:

This week especially I'm grateful for my children. They are the light of my life and make it all worthwhile, even when they're being little demons (or vampires and cowboys!)

I'm grateful for this gorgeous fall weather and the amazing colors of the foliage in my neighborhood.

I'm grateful for my health and for this life I've been given. I hope I'm using it well.

I'm grateful for being able to be grateful even when life is not easy. It makes a difference.

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

Jonathan Safran Foer

The Ugly

Now that I've announced a rebirth I guess I actually have to follow through . . . so here's the ugly. This week is really hard for me. I have a few, for lack of a better word "anniversaries" during the year that are difficult, emotional moments and one is coming up next Friday. If things had gone as "planned" I would be giving birth next Friday. A Halloween baby. A little pumpkin. But I lost this baby in May and so instead, I will just take my boys trick-or-treating and let them eat too much sugar, and try to find time to be alone with my grief that day.

I have had 4 miscarriages in the last few years. Each one is painful and terrible for J and I and this last one was especially so. We weren't trying to get pregnant this time because we had been through so much--losing the other three--and we didn't think we could face it again. But many times, things happen that we don't plan for, and I found out I was pregnant last winter. We were absolutely terrified, of course, but thrilled all the same and so sure that it must "be meant to be" since we hadn't planned it. Maybe it was finally time for us to welcome another baby to our family after all our heartache. But alas, we went for the CVS test at the 13 week mark and a week later my doctor called to tell us something was terribly wrong. He told us the baby had massive chromosomal abnormalities, and while he may make it to 40 weeks and be born to this world, he would not live more than a few hours or days. So there we were, faced with the most heart-wrenching choice we could imagine. The first three times I had lost the babies between 7 and 11 weeks and we had been told that chromosomal abnormalities were present when they tested for them after the fact, but I had always miscarried. The choice had been made for me.

So we were stunned and sick and broken, but we knew, just knew that we couldn't bear the next 6 months knowing this baby could die any time, knowing he wouldn't live to see more than a sunrise or two. I know this choice is controversial and no one else can make the decision for you. No politician or doctor or friend or parent can do it. We were alone in this. Alone, but thankfully together. So we made the awful choice and went to see our doctor to prepare ourselves for surgery. He did a final ultrasound and if there is any bright spot at all, I mean any minute hopeful moment, it was this one: the baby's heart had stopped beating on its' own. I knew I'd question our choice for the rest of my life, even though it was my choice to make, but the choice was taken from us and I was so relieved. We could mourn and grieve, but not feel the pain and guilt that would have inevitably been a part of that process.

And we have mourned. Not only that baby, but all 4 of them. I've tried to explain this to friends who have asked, but a miscarriage is so strange. You are sad and grief-stricken as you would be for any death, but there is no body to bury, no grave to plant flowers, no ritual, no casseroles baked and family and friends coming by to talk and remember. There is no one to remember, no face and name or life lived. No one knows what to say to you. No one knows how to treat you. It is a lonely road. And so this time, I had to mark it in some way. It took a while to come up with something, and it's not a typical thing, but it helped me to find a way to memorialize this child and the other three before him. I found this site called Art House, which creates massive, nationwide art projects that anyone can sign up to join. So I joined their latest project called "Stuff Your Sorries in a Sack" and I got my burlap bag in the mail and painted four flowers on it--one for each baby, and made copies of the sonogram photo of our beautiful baby boy, and on the back of each copy I wrote messages to these 4 souls:

And I sent my sack of sorries to a gallery in Georgia. So I was able to grieve in my own way, and also to memorialize these babes. I created the ritual that I needed to live more peacefully with their deaths. It isn't easy to think about what we lost. It is hard to explain my feelings about it all to people, and most people don't ask. I know I never got to know these babies, but they were still my children and I feel their loss deeply. But I have found a way to mourn and move forward, and that is something everyone can relate to.

So that's the ugly. And my rebirth continues . . .

rebirth (part 1)

This is actually rebirth part 2, but part 1 was just getting this blog up and running so I didn't announce it as a rebirth, per say, but it was. Now it's been a few weeks and I've only blogged 7 times. I think I got scared. Scared that I was putting myself out there in this way, scared I wouldn't be able to do it as well as my favorite peeps, scared that my stuff would be too weird or messy or ugly and no one would read it. I froze. I felt paralyzed. So I stopped--dead cold and haven't written for a few weeks. But today is another rebirth. I've decided that I like it and I don't really care about all that other stuff. And I admire everyone who says what they want to say and damn it all to hell. So I'm back and it will all be here. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Stay tuned. (if you want to.)

Gratitude Friday

Oooh. I almost forgot it was that time again already--until I read Amy's post and so firstly, I'm grateful she reminded me! Then in no particular order:

1. I'm grateful for good friends who make me laugh so hard at myself.

2. I'm grateful for our contractor who is a really good guy and is easy to work with (and YES, I'm hoping for a little extra good karma from this one so the rest of the project goes smoothly and quickly!) but I really do like him. When I pulled up from doing errands yesterday he was cutting some wood with a circular saw in my front yard and singing at the top of his lungs, "Dance all night until the morning come . . . day oh, dayayay oh, daylight come and me no want to go home!"

3. I'm grateful that the boys looked really cute for their school pictures today because, um . . . well we all know how that can so easily go the other way. Although we'll wait for the results and hopefully be grateful again in a few weeks!

4. I'm grateful for the smell of fall and the bright yellow and orange leaves that will blanket the yard soon. (not looking forward to the cold though, not looking forward to that at all!)

5. I'm grateful for my dog, Lola who makes me feel unconditionally loved every day. How can you not love a dog who smiles like that? (I swear to god I'm not really the kind of person who gets professional photos taken of my dog, but we were getting a family portrait taken and the photographer fell in love with her and $75 later, here it is. I had to.)

Recycling and Recipes

So I've spent a lot of time the past few days cooking and freezing some food in preparation for not having a kitchen for the next 12 weeks or so. I love to cook and I crank up the iPod and chop and boil and taste and dance my way around the room. In between, I did other stuff, including checking out the blog of this guy Dave who, instead of throwing it away, is saving all of his trash for a whole year. Yes, you read that correctly, he is SAVING all of his garbage for a whole year!!

He documents his trash each day and then puts it in his basement. And yes, he does have a worm composter for the food waste so he's not stinking up the whole house. Amazing! I keep thinking about this idea. Not that I want to try it per say, but I have been making a big effort for the past year or so to use less and pay more attention to the garbage our family produces and to try to reduce it. I realized I was recycling, but not so much. I would throw the plastic and glass and the newspapers in the bin, but I wasn't thinking about everything else that could be recycled.

I started cutting up all the boxes, large and small. I also started putting all the junk mail and the millions of papers that come home in the kid's backpacks every day in the bins. I already give my sister all the boys old clothes for my nephew, but I started calling the Salvation Army regularly to pick up toys and books and household items that we don't use anymore. I asked my mom to get me a composter for Christmas so that we have less food waste (I like the worm composter Dave uses and I think the boys will like it too!)

It just seems more urgent than ever to do our part to help the environment. I know we didn't necessarily create this mess we're in now, but it's hard to imagine that this is the legacy we're leaving our children and grandchildren. So I've changed all my lightbulbs to the energy savers. And I bought the reusable grocery/shopping bags. And I ride my bike, Daisy, around town as much as I can. And I make the boys walk to school no matter how loud they scream that they hate to walk and everyone else drives to school blah blah blah. And I try to think more about what I'm purchasing and why. It's not a lot, but I figure every little bit counts, right? What do you do to live more "green"?

Just for fun, I'm recycling a recipe that I cooked today. It's a favorite here in our family, and I thought I'd pass it along:

Spaghetti Pie

1/2 box whole grain spaghetti
1 egg
4 tbsp. butter
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
1 small onion, peeled and chopped
3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
1 tsp dried basil
1 pound ground turkey
1 14 oz. can chopped tomatoes or 1 jar of marinara sauce
1 12 oz container low fat ricotta cheese
1 package shredded low fat mozzarella cheese

Heat olive oil in pan. Add onion and garlic, cook until soft. Add basil and ground turkey. Cook until slightly browned. Add tomatoes or marinara sauce and simmer 15 minutes. In a large pot, cook spaghetti according to package directions. Drain well and put in large bowl. Mix in egg, butter and Parmesan cheese. Place mixture in a pie pan and form a "nest" or crust. Spread ricotta cheese over noodles. Spoon meat sauce over ricotta. Sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top. Bake at 325 for 30 minutes until cheese and "crust" are lightly browned.

Rainy Day (Gratitude) Friday

So it's raining and gray here, and I had a WATERFALL in my DINING ROOM this morning. We are in the middle of construction on an addition on our house and we're about 3 days from roofing so when it rained last night, the water came pouring into our house, which wouldn't even be that terrible as they are ripping down that room soon enough, but it also drained down in to our finished basement and I spent the morning helping my father-in-law wet vacc the new rug AGAIN! Yuck!

So anyway, despite all that, or maybe because of it, I decided to follow in my friend Amy's footsteps and begin my own Gratitude Fridays. It seems to be easier to be grateful when things are good, but I like to find the silver lining--so here goes.

1. I'm grateful for the roof over my head, because even though it's really wet right now, I'm damn lucky to have one when so many people don't.

2. I'm grateful that my husband still has a job, even though it's shaky in this economy. His job affords me the chance to stay home with the boys and to do amazing things like attend Squam Art Workshops.

3. I'm grateful that I got to have lunch with a new friend today. We met briefly at Squam and had no idea that we lived so close to each other; so I'm hoping we'll get together more often and maybe even encourage each other to do some art! No more excuses!!

4. I'm grateful that school seems to be going so well for the boys this year. Even though it's a struggle to get them to remember their books and to help them study for those dreaded spelling tests and work on those tricky math word problems; they both love school and I don't have to drag them out of bed in the morning and cattle prod them out the door.

5. I'm incredibly grateful for chocolate ice cream and for the Guinness beef and mushroom pot pie that is warming up in my oven right now because what could be better on a rainy Friday!?!

Just a quick post before bed.

"Suede is leaving." : ( sniff. Gotta love Suede and his 3rd "person"ality.

But the best line of the night? Michael Kors talking about the country outfit Leeann designed for Korto: "She looked like a woman who was going out to eat ribs." Oh my lord, can you just picture her at the Chicken 'n' Rib Crib in that outfit? Hilarious!! God, I love Project Runway.

good night.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my parents' anniversary and my friends Cathi and Adam's anniversary. They were married on the same day, 40 years apart. At Cathi and Adam's wedding, a friend of theirs read this piece, which made everyone laugh and also made us all think.

Loving the Wrong Person: A Reading from the Book of Daily Afflictions, by Andrew Boyd

"We are all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems––the ones that make you truly who you are––that you’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person––someone you lovingly gaze upon and think “This is the problem I want to have.”

I loved this reading so much. It wasn't typical at all; but if you know Cathi and Adam, it fit them perfectly. It wasn't mushy and gushy. It wasn't all about love and baby's breath and cherubs. It was real.

Love isn't easy. It takes a lot of work to be committed to another person for any length of time, let alone a lifetime. My parents have done it for 42 years.

They were young when they got married. They didn't necessarily do a lot of living before they chose a mate. But it has lasted. And I'm sure in all those years they have been frustrated and angry and ready to chuck things at each other and walk away, but they didn't. And whether they realize it or not, they took Andrew's words to heart. They stayed because they realized that this is the problem they chose to have. So happy anniversary, Mom and Dad and Cathi and Adam. Keep up the good work loving the "wrong" person!

a brand new day

Okay, so here goes. I have been reading and reading and reading other blogs and today is the day I've decided to create my own. I don't know how often I'll post, or how well I can write, or how weird it will feel; but it doesn't matter. I'm just gonna go for it. Sink or swim--I don't care. I just want to connect and share and this seems like a damn good way to do it.

So in order to keep from getting to freaked out by this blogging thing: I'll post my post-SQUAMmy feelings that I shared on Elizabeth's blog as my first entry (since it's already out there is cyber-world, how scary can it be, right?):

"What I really wanted to say is that I didn't head up to SQUAM entirely for the art . . . but I really wanted to force myself to do something I'd never, ever done before, to cause a shift. And wow, the shift has been of SEISMIC proportions, like really, a tsunami of shifting. I came home a better mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover (oh yes, I said it, LOVER), friend--just a better me. I feel my heart is bursting and my head is spinning and everyone can see it. The checkout girl at ShopRite can see it, the mailman can see it, the man walking his dog past my house right now can see it. It's immense and epic and life-affirming. . . . thank you for helping me to create that shift. I'll be riding the wave, no SURFING it, hanging 10 dammit! for the rest of my life."

And I, like so many others whose blogs I've read the past few days, have had trouble with the transition back in to "reality". It is a challenge to find your way back from that kind of love and support and downright goodness 24/7, but I'll keep searching for ways to be creative and to ride my wave. And I know they'll be searching with me. And that feels good.