Silence

I finally took a moment to photograph my work from Squam today, and as I did it suddenly struck me as funny that this is what came out of my Translucent Layers class with Judy "the genius" Wise. The class was amazing--painting, collage, encaustics; new techniques mixed with old--really exciting and fun. I didn't think so much about what I was making, only that I was soaking up all these new ideas to take home and try on my own.

But now, when I take time to sit back and look at the actual results, it leaves me sort of speechless. Not because it's this great work of art. It's not. But because completely subconsciously I managed to tell something about myself through my artwork. Jen Lemen wrote a list on her blog back in January detailing What 100 Paintings Will Teach You. #16 said: “Your paintings know things about you that you don’t know yet about yourself.” And it’s true. I realized I am that girl in my painting. I am afraid to speak my truth. I am silenced by my own fears and doubts. I am always afraid I won't be loved, that I'll be rejected and hurt and left alone with my failures and frailties. So more often than not, I choose silence over sharing myself. I hide all the scary, ugly parts for fear someone will see the real me and be disappointed.

Silence has served me well during my lifetime. It protected me as a young girl from some truly difficult and terrible moments. It had a purpose. But I’ve come to learn that it is okay to tell silence to take a hike. It is okay to thank silence for doing a good job cocooning my heart, but to please move on now. It’s high time truth and authenticity have their moment in the sun. No matter how awful it feels—how hard my heart may pound and my hands will shake. It’s time to forgive myself for holding on so tight and let go.

Even here on this blog. It’s time to let go. Translucent layers indeed.