Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Do you ever have those moments where you think everything is going so great and you are so happy and then suddenly, BAM, out of nowhere you are overcome by this wave of emotion so intense you feel like you can't breathe? For instance, yesterday I was on such a high all day. I mean, it was emotional to see Obama sworn in as President-- but it was that great, energetic, awesome emotion that keeps you warm for a few days. And today, I'm still feeling excited and optimistic and great about life, and then suddenly I'm in the car crying my eyes out for no reason. Well, no reason that seemed reasonable, anyway.
Although when I break it down, I guess it is not UNreasonable. I was thinking about the power of the inauguration and how cool it was that the boys watched it in school and what it might mean to them as they grew up. And then I started thinking about the miscarriages I've had and the babies that could have been and how old they would be and what this also would have meant to them. It comes at me so randomly. I think I'm over it and we've moved on and we're just fine, and then suddenly it hits me that there could have been these amazing little people in my life; playing with their brothers, growing bigger, smarter, funnier, sillier; singing or dancing or playing games with us.
I realize it's really hard for me to give up on the idea of a big family. It's what I always wanted, ever since I was a little girl. I loved the idea of my father's family with 2 boys and 2 girls and all the drama and trouble and heartache that goes with it! As I've reached adulthood and beyond, I sometimes think, "Well, more kids means more chances for something bad to happen, for someone to make a big mistake, for your heart to break." But it still seems right to me, a big, loud, chaotic family. I know I'm lucky, seriously lucky, to have the boys. But it doesn't always keep me from wishing for more. I read the paper and see the little ads for adoption and it tugs at me. Is that the reason for all this wishing? Is that the cosmic reasoning for my losses; is there someone out there waiting for us to be a family? How do you ever know if you are right? How do you quiet the heart and move on? How are you sure that you won't wake up one day, years from now and say, "I should have." How can I be sure it's not just the sadness that still lingers from these terrible losses?
Sometimes it's just hard to breathe.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Been a while, but I'm going to jump back on the gratitude train and start off the new year right (albeit a week late!)
1. so grateful for my aunt whose birthday is today. My dad's youngest sister who has always been more like my sister than his because she is way closer to my age and we totally get each other. She's a great one for advice, getting me through tough stuff, and best of all she's freakin fun! So happy birthday, Boo!
2. so grateful for my children, as always (or almost always; except when they whine and fight). E and C are hilarious, mischievous, smart, polite and 2 of my favorite people to be with.
3. so grateful for my husband who really and truly gets me through every day, especially lately with all the construction and having half a house. He vacuumed with me for 11 hours last week through mounds of dust and the "flea" incident. He does 100s of loads of laundry, he makes me laugh so hard, and he calms me down and makes me look at things like no one else can.
4. so grateful for my friend Lily. She lost her 6-year-old daughter, Samantha, a year and a half ago to a freak virus that attacked her heart. Every day when I look at her I see someone who has suffered so much pain but is still the strongest, most caring, kind friend. She puts everyone before herself and she shows us all that you can survive anything. ANYTHING.
5. so grateful for this planet we live on. Even when it's bitter bitter cold like it is today, I'm still so thankful to be breathing that air and getting the opportunity to try to make it a better place for our children.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Happy New Year! It's hard to believe it's 2009 already. I have been such a blogging slacker. For all my good intentions, I just can't seem to make it stick. I've had this problem with every journal I've ever started, too. I go at it full throttle for a few weeks (or days!) and then I just let go. I thought my time at Squam would change all that. I thought I was this whole new person who would do everything right and be creative all the time and embrace this blogging thing and make it work. WRONG! I'm still the same me. I'm lazy and unmotivated half the time, wasting tons of time doing nothing; I've barely been creative except for that small spurt in December with my jewelry show; I've let myself down and somehow feel I've let other people down. And then, to top it all off, I let all these negative feelings creep in, which makes it even harder to sit down and finish what I've started. This has been a problem my whole life and I really want to change.
How do I do it?
I need to be more diligent about setting goals for myself and carving out time for specific tasks. I need to decide on a time of day to sit with my blog and write, if that is important to me. I need to make special times each week for being creative, taking out my art supplies and actually USING them! I need to allow myself a quiet space to just relax and enjoy the process, rather than stressing over it. And I need to realize that it's not the end of the world if all of this doesn't happen in the perfect way I have visualized in my head. I need to be more open to "failure" and be more gentle with myself when I feel disappointed. I need to see that it's okay if I don't write my blog for almost a month. It's just mine, not necessarily intended for anyone else.
It's okay. Any way it happens. Any time it happens. It's okay.